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At least THIS particular Monday, grrr. I have hated pretty much all of September thus far, come to think of it; and I am sick and tired of being so gloomy-grouchy but just can't seem to help myself. Got up this morn feeling like crap as usual, going on week 4 of useless antibiotics and coughing my guts out and blowing out yellow snot, yum, plus my blood pressure has been all over the board lately and I get dizzy spells and irregular heart beat, etc. Sucks. Then there's dealing with Marissa's health crap and doctors and now the one dr wants her to see yet another doctor to confirm the diagnosis he himself made months ago but she's deteriorating so fast with her arthritis that he's worried it could be something MORE than that, yet another foul disease or condition she might end up having on top of or instead of the psoriatic arthritis he diagnosed and has been treating her for...we were at his office FOREVER the other day, and I felt so ill and was so stressed, and my car battery had died earlier that day and I had no time to get it started again because her doctor appointment was in the next town over, so my son had to drive us to her doctor in his car and we didn't even get home till 6:30 pm and then still had to go back for my stupid car in the supermarket parking lot and jump the battery...which died again TODAY, yay. And I get paid in two days but I will STILL be flat broke cause that's just the way I roll, whoo hoo, and how the hell will I be able to buy a damned car battery EVEN on payday when I'm two months behind on my electric bill and just had to pay her doctor and refill a ton of her prescrips and she only gets x amount 'free' on her medicaid per month, sigh...and I am rambling nonsensically today, I know, but that's exactly where my brain is today.

So I get up, manage to get to work, the prek kids are BEASTLY all morning, I mean fangs and claws and evil beady eyes kind of beastly pretty much, to the point that by midmorning I was ready to just walk right out and go away from there FOREVER. I am so so burned out right now on 4 year olds, especially 4 year olds who do not mind, will not listen, cannot sit still even 2 minutes, who love to hit and slap each other and just generally drive me INSANE. Geez.

So... I survive the deadly combat that is prekindergarten, with a parent conference and a vomiting child thrown into the mix, and I get home only to have my son show up from culinary arts class with a bloody rag clutched tightly around his hand where he'd chopped the crap out of his index finger earlier while cutting a roast in class and then spent over 2 useless hours dripping blood in the ER as they ignored him in favor of the really sick/injured/whatever. So he got fed up and just left and came home and we had NO first aid supplies for some ungodly reason, so I had to borrow his car (curse you, dead battery piece of crap car of mine!!!) and go buy liquid stitches and butterfly bandages and antibiotic ointment and those finger cots which look like miniature condoms that you slide down over a cut finger, ha. It took us forever to get the gap closed enough  (ugh, still makes me feel weak and pukish remembering it
) to even get the liquid stitches gunk to hold and to dry, and he was ranting about how he's quitting cooking school cause his gingersnaps also turned out for crap today and he cut himself and felt like a failure, and it was all just par for the Monday course as I tried rather lamely to convince him not to drop out over one cut finger and some flattened, rock-hard cookies, sigh.

And THEN...I get a cut-off notice in today's mail for my electricity, even though I had scheduled an automatic payment at the end of August, and I had to call the electric company and the guy who took my irate call was less than friendly and kept asking me accusing questions about my bank account balance and saying my debit card had been declined that day in August even though I KNOW I had money in my account that day to pay it. That is the second time this electric company has declined my card when it wasn't really insufficient funds at all, sigh, and that is so annoying. So I had to go back over my bank account and yeah, that scheduled payment never went through, so no WONDER I thought I had too much money left over right at the cusp of the next payday--in other words, I still show I HAVE some money, which is NEVER true right before payday. But in my own defense I HAVE been sick sick sick and tired tired tired and stressed stressed stressed and so have not been as attentive to my bank balance and debits as I usually am. Oh, and I also just discovered the blank check I gave my son for HIS dr visit 5 days ago (nasty throat infection) has NOT cleared, either, so there goes another chunk of money I have to figure in. I HATE my life, I just effing HATE it lately.

So this week I still have to take Marissa for a ton more blood work, and she gets HYSTERICAL over blood work even though she gets it done every freaking 6 weeks; and I also have to call this NEW doctor that Dr. K wants her to go see and try to get her an appointment and she also has to go to her diabetes/thyroid checkup later this month...we JUST saw her neurologist for her seizures plus she had a mild stroke a few years back so he keeps up with all that brain business for us, sigh, and she had to have another cardiac ultrasound over the summer, and Lord, I am so so sick of doctors even as I know we are BLESSED that she has all of them and is receiving all the care her poor, puny body needs to keep it running.

And that is pretty much my rant for this Monday; today my daddy would have been 79 years old, but he died at the sadly young age of 35, when I was only 4, in a car wreck. So even though I don't really remember him that well, I still feel a bit melancholy on his birthday and wonder sometimes if he is SOMEWHERE out there watching his 3 kids and all his grandkids and now GREAT-grandkids as we all move through our lives down here. I do remember he used to call me his 'sugar booger' and I would ride in the car standing up in the front seat next to him with my arm around his neck as he drove (no seat belt laws back then and big old boat cars made of real steel, ha!), and I would sing to him and we'd make up silly songs together and bellow them at the top of our lungs as we went down the road. I just couldn't understand when he died why he wasn't ever coming back home again and can still remember days and days after he died of my mom just lying on the couch crying all day while my older bro and sis were at school. So, I hope my daddy found peace and is in some wonderful place and if he DOES know me at all as I am now, I hope he isn't too disappointed in the way I've turned out and how damned GRUMPY I am.

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